2024-12-31 21:31
Working on getting the database in order.
Interesting things will be happening here soon.
Working on getting the database in order.
Interesting things will be happening here soon.
Just got home from working 8 hours at Kotteriet.
I've met 300 people today and maxed out my social quota for the rest of the month.
Finally home in bed, comforting my introvert self with some programming.
I intend to make this a very productive year.
Making progress with the database. Currently working on export/import, and after that it's migrations (incremental updates) and "time travel" (restore to point in time).
This is for handling Cloudflare's D1 SQLite databases in general, as part of Lapine Web Engine, but also necessary for proceeding with the development of this journal.
After D1 I will also write functions for R2, Cloudflare's object storage database, with the goal of having file uploads work. This will allow me to post images and create galleries, and also have downloadable files, like my CV and Zines I plan to make in the future.
I'll wait with a full explanation of wtf Lapine Web Engine actually is until I have both D1 and R2 working, but for now I will say it's a unified workflow for making websites and apps using Cloudflare, Electron and Capacitor. It's very ambitious and very useful, and will be the foundation for a lot of interesting projects I have ideas for.
I have decided a few "New Year's resolutions" for this year:
These are of course things in addition to the already ongoing missions I need to complete, like making progress with Lapine Web Engine, Engagemanget, Kotteriet and Let's Do the Thing, but these are achievements I really want to accomplish.
I usually set very ambitious goals for myself, but I try to scale things down and be more specific now, in order to increase the chances of actually fulfilling these goals.
I mean, my overly ambitious game development ideas are still on my list of things to do, but they are on a more long term schedule, as I have more immediate things to focus on right now.
Also, I will try to keep more regular work hours as a habit this year, as I'm entering a more productive phase rather than a researching, so to speak, and I want to build a sustainable productive momentum while minimising the risk for burnout.
By "researching" I mean a phase that isn't the opposite of being productive, but a bit more distracted and scattered phase happening while trying to figure things out. I feel much more prepared and certain of what I should be focusing on now in order to build the future I want, which means I can start actually doing things without wondering if it's what I should be doing, which feels great.
And yes, I know I'm talking about better work routines at five in the morning, but I'm waiting until we can build the home office/workshop that we have planned, as I pretty much only have my bed or our small breakfast table to work at right now, and it just doesn't feel right. So I'll take advantage of my obsessive workaholic night-owl habits a bit more, even if it's not a suitable momentum for keeping focus for a whole year. I need to be a bit more organised if I'm serious about these goals, I think.
I made the mistake of researching online income streams again, because I got inspired by the idea of selling books, but of course I just ended with being overwhelmed and exhausted by the escalating effort needed to be competitive in the market.
Seriously, creating for profit is a fast way to kill your passion.
There's nothing more discouraging for your creative confidence than checking out the competition. And it's not about quality, just the sheer quantity of other things being produced. It's really hard to feel special and relevant in an endless ocean of people just like you.
However, it's of course true that the only way to truly fail is to not participate at all. I won't let this hold me back, I just won't do any market research because it just ruins my mood. I have enough of a struggle as it is with finding my own voice, and comparing myself to a billion other people doesn't help.
I'm not really looking for a quick and easy scheme, just a workflow that makes sense and a niche that feels promising for my skills. It's not the discipline of success that I have issues with, it's the trust in the process. I must believe in the end before I can commit to the start. I have too many projects stuck in development hell already.
Anyway, I'll take a little break from productivity today in order to refocus myself and get back on track with the database programming again. Being eager for progress makes me get distracted by researching new ideas and possibilities, but I already have a plan and should stick to it. I guess I'm just looking forward to producing actual marketable things rather than tools for making them, like Lapine Web Engine is. I have too much going on backstage and not enough on the actual stage, in front of an audience.
But I trust my process, and I'm getting there, even if it's slowly.
I need to stop hanging around on twitter. I've noticed that arguing for things online entertains my brain in the same way as writing code, as it makes me addicted to correcting things and creating order. This is kind of taking away my energy from actual coding.
Sometimes I really do love arguing about philosophical things though. It fascinates me what people can believe in and why, because I myself has been a victim of believing very weird things and finding reality confusing.
Anyway, less twitter, more programming!
Hey, I managed to think up a great idea for Amazon KDP!
I won't reveal exactly what it is, sorry, but it's a very fun twist on colouring books and I'm honestly very excited about it. I imagine it has great potential even though everyone and their grandma are also making colouring books on Amazon KDP.
I have ideas for around 30 themes, so that's good, but each book needs at least 24 pages, so that's... a lot. And I don't like using A.I., so that means I will need to make 720+ illustrations for this to work, but... yeah... I mean, the illustrations are honestly relatively simple, it's more the need for variation that concerns me.
Well, I'm sure I can figure something out. I know I'll enjoy making them, so that definitely helps.
Although, now that I think about it, it will take like two years if I do one illustration per day, so we'll see how I end up doing this...
Anyway, super fun idea! Really looking forward to making this real, and very excited to see if I can make some sales with it!
I just now identified a strong source for procrastination for me, which is doubt in my own value as a person. It might seem obvious, but I feel like I caught the process of it happening in real time, which made me more aware of it.
I start asking why I am trapped in a low-level situation while I'm not a low-level person, and of course conclude that I'll always be a low-level person as long as I have no financial freedom. So I eagerly start researching shortcuts to make money, even though I already have several solid strategies for how to do so. The problem is just that progress takes time, and while being super focused and continuously building something very ambitious, I eventually have time to ruminate and worry and feel like I'm not doing enough since I'm still stuck in development, and my self doubt starts creeping in.
It's hard to focus on programming when my soul is troubled and I feel sad for all the life I'm missing out on as I'm building towards having the life I dream of.
And this begins the slippery slope of getting lost in emotional escapes and comforts, which is exactly what procrastination is, and while this melancholy mood overtakes me I'm entirely unable to get my brain into gear for hyper focused logical thinking, and the very concept of programming hurts my mind. It literally goes into defensive mode, and make me fall asleep when trying to do complex rational thinking.
The most fascinating thing is that even though I wish on an intellectual level that I could be productive again, and having all the motivation for it, my emotional side overrules everything and makes me executively paralysed. In practice, it means that even though I want to do something, it's a greater truth within me that I really don't want to do it, and therefore I can't, until it's emotionally resolved.
So I can't be productive unless I feel good about myself, or at least emotionally safe. This means it's up to my intellectual side to reassure my emotional side that we're on the right track and our plans are not in vain. Worries are an anchor, and I can only let go of them if I trust my destination.
But the dynamics here is that since I am a very emotionally driven person, the solution is not merely to calm down and sort my feelings, but to use them. Just as they can become my anchor, they are also my sail or engine. In order to be truly productive in a passionate way and not just dragging myself along with discipline, I need to let my emotions lead.
So I need to dream of my goal and romanticise the process of building my projects. I need to love the journey while being excited about the destination.
I hope being aware of this will make it easier for me to consciously get out of depressive phases where my projects can be stalled for months.
Still working on the databases, but I'm making visual progress. And by that I mean it's not just hidden backend functions or internal optimisations, but actual things on the frontend that you can interact with.
It's a very annoying thing with programming, that it isn't very presentable most of the time. It's kind of lonely working in constant obscurity, and the ratio between work effort and presentable results can at times make you feel like nothing is really happening, and yet you're mentally exhausted from working so much. It's one of the reasons I'm looking forward to get started with Blender, and doing more graphical stuff.
Of course, the programming will eventually become presentable when I actually complete something and put it online, but it's a very, very long road up the hill for that.
Also, besides the database stuff I've also made some useful UI components, like a file path selector and a textarea that allows tabbed input.
But now it's time to eat something...
I really suck at git commits.
The latest ones are like "Lots of stuff" with 38 files changed, followed by "More stuff" and 26 files changed, and so on. It's complete chaos.
But in my defence, I'm working alone on this project, it's not a stable version 1.0 yet, and it's not even released. There's really no need to be disciplined about such things at this stage, I feel.
Still, I'll admit it's not a good habit and I will eventually need to do it properly.
I guess it will make more sense when there is an issue tracking system involved.
I really look forward to having gotten that far with this mess.
Bleh. Got stuck with a complicated database issue and ran out of mental energy to figure out how to solve it.
Specifically, I need to run Cloudflare's miniflare with a different current working directory, but I can't find a setting for it. I need to run a worker in order to access the R2 database. I guess I need to do this differently.
But... I haven't eaten anything today and I feel tired. I'll come back to this tomorrow.
After much tedious experimentation and failing, I finally turned to the Cloudflare discord for help, and managed to get things sorted out regarding the R2 database. So the good news is that I now understand how I'm supposed to do this, but the bad news is that I need to learn the Amazon S3 API in order to get it done.
Well, it's not really bad news, I'm just exhausted and now there's a new thing I need to get familiar with.
As it turns out, the reason why the documentation for R2 is so thin, is because they've just made it a 1:1 copy of the S3 API for convenience, and simply refer to the Amazon API reference instead. I thought it was just an optional method of interacting with the database, but now I understand it's the primary one.
And in case you're wondering, Cloudflare's database is named R2 because it's a competitor to Amazon's S3 (Simple Storage Service), and they just reduced the letter and number by one, like a pun.
Anyway, this S3 documentation seems promising, and I'm finally making progress again.
I guess I can add GraphQL to my resume now as well.
It's needed for getting object count and bucket sizes from R2, which is useful information to display.
I love when there's a nice looking app for something, especially when it's free. In this case, I'm using Altair GraphQL Client.
Morning productivity mood:
I was on a Viking Line cruise ship during the weekend, which has become a bit of tradition with some of my friends. Not very exciting, and honestly I don't enjoy it very much, but these days it's one of the few opportunities to reconnect with my friends each year. It's basically our childhood friend Jakob who's the one connecting us all, and he's moved abroad since a few years back for work, but comes home to Sweden once in a while to just hang out.
When I say I don't enjoy it, it's because it's mostly about drinking and partying, which is not my version of fun at all. However, there's a buffé and I do like hotel rooms, which is basically what the cabin is. It's also nice for me to do something else once in a while except being an introvert at home. I can also be an introvert on a boat.
While everyone was at the dance floor, I had a nice 8 hour sleep, and even got some work done. It's actually a sign of having good friends when they invite you but don't care if you're different. I also ate two buffé's. One for dinner, and one for breakfast. Best trip so far.
However, it's made me feel weird today for some reason. I feel kind of sick but in an unspecified way. The only symptom is that my body feels extra sensitive, like if I had a fever, but I don't. And there's something subtly wrong with my stomach, yet not enough to hurt. I just feel weird and don't have any appetite. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm really not up for being productive today.
So today is being pleasantly wasted on random YouTube videos, like modding SNES consoles, curious engineering ideas, carpet cleaning, finding long lost family members, renovating neglected houses, and so on... Just low effort binging.
Hopefully, productivity will resume as normal tomorrow.
Well, it was a fever. I became too tired to even watch YouTube lazily. I want to sleep, but I need to make a report to the unemployment agency. My mind is not fit for adulting right now... Ugh.
Day three of carpet cleaning and car detail cleaning videos on YouTube.
I'm feeling a little better, but it's till like my head is stuck in a hat that's too small, and I'm still completely drained of energy.
No productivity today either.
Had a very nerdy conversation with Tobias where we tried to figure out how to make gloves for King Midas. We decided that chain mail would do it.
Also, that he would 100% end up as prisoner in Russia, doomed to live out his life in a secret facility, making things into gold 24/7.
I think we ended up in this conversation after Tobias said Jesus was the best super hero as he could turn water into wine. I objected, as it ranks very low for me, being a non-drinker. Plus, there are plenty of super heroes with reality altering powers.
And we got to Jesus by discussing Christian atheism, but I don't remember how we got to that, except it had something to do with Tesla motors, Decepticons, and shimmering car paint.
Tobias and I get along so well.
Finally feeling well again!
But even if my energy and mental capacity is back, I still feel like resting today, so I won't be getting into 100% productivity mode immediately.
At least I can watch more intellectually engaging content on YouTube, so today's videos consist of things like entrepreneurial lessons, electronics projects, and how to etch clear acrylics with a diode laser.
I also had a phone conversation yesterday with a friend regarding building a large robot beetle for a movie based on Franz Kafka's "The Metamorphosis", which sounds interesting. I haven't read the book, but of course I know of it. I had Kafka mixed up with Zhuangzi though, as I believed Kafka was the one with the butterfly dream. I guess it's possible to be both intellectual and ignorant at the same time.
Anyway, I hope to get my head ready for complex programming again by tomorrow.
Well, today didn't turn out as I had planned, but it was still a very productive day.
Today we moved the last stuff from the old apartment, which was about four hours worth of carrying boxes down two flights of stairs. It was a whole workout session, for sure.
This means we're officially done moving, finally! That feels great. Now we're just waiting for some insurance money to arrive, so that we can start buying some furniture and everything we have planned for our joint office and workshop room, which will be amazing.
Also, once that is in order, I have decided to start streaming on Twitch. Not for any desire or ambition of becoming "a streamer", but in order to keep a better routine around being productive. Ideally, I just want a small regular community of chill people who enjoys slow content about programming and crafting stuff. For instance, I'll be learning to use Blender, in order to make low-polygon characters for games. It would be nice to just have some people to chat with meanwhile.
Feeling excited about a lot of things right now.
I just helped Tobias make an inventory of all his roleplaying books, for insurance purposes. After the fire, everything we own smells like smoke, and not really in a cozy Christmas fire kind of way, but more chemical and acid. It's not immediately repelling, but definitely noticeable enough to bring the price down on anything we'd like to sell.
So, I spent the day cataloguing 103 books and researching their potential second-hand values, and ended up with an estimated sum of $5020! Not bad.
Over two thirds the books in this collection are out of print, and some are so rare they are impossible to find online. The oldest one's date back to 1982, and they span the golden age of old-school role playing in Sweden, all through the 90's. There's so much history and nostalgia here that it would have been a cultural setback if this had caught fire, for sure.
I even included three of my own books, with an unexpected sum of $330. More than half of what I had anticipated.
It's funny, because there's always that story of someone having an old Pokémon card or something that turns out to sell for thousands of dollars online, and you always wish you had some of your childhood crap saved just for such a reason. I feel like that just happened with some of these old and silly books, even if it's not any insane amounts.
Well, the most surprising one was Dark Heresy: Core Rulebook: No. 1 from 2008, with a listed price of $492. That's a lot, considering that the average new price for these kinds of books are around $60 today, which means around $40 in 2008. From $40 to $492 is a 1130% increase!
Of course, we don't expect to get the full $5020 from the insurance company, but I think we have enough leverage to make a case for half though. That's still great, and will help a lot with the workshop we have planned to build. We'll see how the negotiations go next week.
Since this week has been derailed by so many things that has prevented me from getting back into programming, I guess I had too many things bouncing around in my head and made me too distracted to focus today as well. But I figured that since it's Sunday, I don't need to feel too guilty about it.
The majority of today's energy has gone towards research and contemplation about zines and paper game designs, which are things I am very determined to become proficient in. Except for 3d-modelling and making electronics, it's the main realm of creative expression I intend to make an essential part of my life and identity, beyond just being a programmer.
Computer games intrigues me because they are such a versatile medium, combining so many forms of expression together into one contained experience. But the problem I have found is of course that they are so complex that what you are presented with as a player is just the tip of the iceberg of all that's required to make it work.
I am starting to get allergic to being stuck in development hell with projects, and long for a hobby that's less complex and more more tangible. I was overwhelmed with excitement when I realised that zines could be a suitable format for many of my ideas, as they are just as versatile as computer games in the way that they can be products of mixed media and artistic expression. Narration, illustrations, game systems, paper art, and so many more possibilities. The potential is truly inspiring, and there's both a community and market for it. It will allow me to sell things both digitally and physically, and make so that not everything in my life needs to be obscure and abstract, like code is.
So yeah, while I haven't been productive in the sense I'm aiming for, I still feel a sense of progress today.
I just had one of those moments where I feel the distinct lack of someone in my life with whom I could discuss the relationship between slime molds and Conway's Game of Life.
Like, is there a way to make an algorithm that simulates anticipation? Would that make the system able to plan ahead? Is intelligence basically an awareness of time?
I know there's forums and stuff to ask these kinds of questions in, but that's not the point. It's just one of those thought processes that makes it complicated for me to relate to other people, who don't have any points of reference for any of those things.
I'm not suggesting that I am particularly smart or unique, just reflecting on the nature of my introvertedness and social situation in life.
What I can tell you though, is that it's been a struggle to both overcome the fear of being alone and to feel comfortable with the company.
I used to fear turning 40, but despite everything, I feel like both my childhood self and teenage self are in agreement, that this was actually something to look forward to. I feel like it's all coming together here, finally, and I'm getting a sense of understanding what "happily ever after" actually looks like.
I've often felt like I lag behind in life, which I absolutely do, but it's also true that it will give me an unfair advantage, once I get my shit together. It means that I am able to design my life more freely and more consciously compared to most at this age, as they are restrained by so many commitments by now. My lack of progress in life suddenly makes me feel excitement rather than anxiety, as it's not really empty, just a blank slate, full of potential.
The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness, indeed. As I'm slowly starting to figure out what I actually want from life, it's nice to feel that there's room for anything.
Finally got back to programming, and managed to solve a huge roadblock that's been a real problem for making progress with the R2 database. Basically there are two entirely different ways to interact with the local and remote database, and I just got it sorted out, so I should be able to complete the R2 section tomorrow.
That means I should be able to get back to actual website development the day after tomorrow. I know there are some readjustments needed in the web workflow, but those would just be a matter of copy-pasting from the electron workflow. We'll see.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit bored at the moment. Watching YouTube videos got repetitive. I want something low effort, perhaps a simple game for variation, but can't think of one that finds the right balance between being both easy and meaningful. At least not to the degree that matches my mood. Not sure what to do. Just stare at the ceiling for a while, I guess...
So, the thing I thought I had solved with the R2 database turns out to not have been solved, after all. As I've been struggling with this for a while and really thought I had finally done it, it really took the wind out of my sails when I realised I basically had to start over again. Instead of just using one API in order to do things, I need to make a complex mix of three APIs depending on different criteria, making the end result an inevitable mess. It's exhausting and frustrating, so I've been sorta procrastinating a bit now, or more accurately, making progress with other things instead.
As mentioned in earlier posts, I have my mind set on three things in life right now, in the context of productivity: Programming, 3D, and zines. And by zines, I basically mean creative writing using mixed media. I have long time lingering aspirations to make comics, games, and art in different ways, and I'm slowly building up ideas about the things I want to express and different ways to express them. So I've been browsing a lot, thinking a lot, and writing a lot, trying to formulate thoughts, feelings, and ideas into coherent and marketable products. It's a slow process, editing hundreds of notes into clearly defined projects, but I'm definitely making progress.
I will stay in writing mood one more day, and then make another effort with the annoying R2 situation again. I really need to get past it.
Well, it's official now that I have entered dark mode. This is like recovery mode, except it's not driven by productive exhaustion, but depression. I experience lingering emotions from setbacks, doubt, sadness and uncertainty, which refuses to be suppressed and blocks me from being able to focus on work.
I understand that these feelings are pointless and that all my problems can be solved by making progress, but they still want to be processed and it drains my energy, making my conscious self unable to override my subconscious, who desires retreat, comfort, and rumination.
Usually, these moments go on until my subconscious feel like it's hit a dead end and there's nothing more to say about this state of melancholy and misery, which finally will allow my conscious self to take charge again. Then I'll become super productive and will make as much progress as I can get away with until I'm blocked again by either exhaustion or ennui. But I'm handling these fluctuations differently these days compared to the past.
I used to be clueless about what was going on and having no objective perspective on myself, but over time I have learned my patterns and reasons for why I end up in these low moments and how to handle them.
First of all, there is no way to avoid or suppress them entirely. These low points need to happen and be processed, as if dealing with the inevitable technical debt in any project. But they can managed in a more organised way and expedited, so that they don't drag on longer than necessary. This is complicated to learn, as it requires enough introspection and experience for meta cognition to be possible.
Meta cognition is awareness of awareness, and essentially the act of using your broken mind to fix your mind. You can't really step outside of your mind, but you can get an objective sense of yourself by documenting your experiences over time, and having your different states of mind talk to each other indirectly through notes. This way you can build bridges in your brain and not be trapped when you enter a depressive process.
This system helps me to at least steer away from the deepest pits of despair by making me understand what's actually true and not, but I have still not found a reliable solution for breaking procrastination other than through brute force by external factors. Mostly deadlines.
In my experience though, the problem of procrastination is often an issue of inertia. The very act of going from a state of rest into a state of activity and momentum. It kind of requires the same magic trick as pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, as the saying goes. You need to be your own leverage, and somehow get discipline from apathy.
According to my theory, the key lies in triggering a positive energy flow that builds an increasing spiral rather than just short circuit in a circle. Like, there needs to be voltage and resistance. An accumulation of potential energy, plus a proportional workload that doesn't drain it all at once.
Well, I have a lot to say about this, but for now, let's just say that I'm in a small phase of low energy, but also expecting it to turn around soon. I just have some momentary worries to process.
As predicted, I'm out of the dark phase now and not feeling depressed any more. My energy is returning and I've actually made significant progress with some of my game projects. Having time to think and write is always helpful. It makes it easier to process feelings and thoughts, and is also something productive that gets done even if it's not the most prioritised thing on my agenda.
During these last few days I have managed to sort out major parts of game mechanics and storylines for five different game ideas I've been thinking about:
I'm very excited to make progress with these ideas, but I know it will take years until I'm able to get into any real development, as I need to complete all my web projects first. That won't stop me from thinking about them though, and writing down any further ideas I have about them. After all, 90% of the work is figuring out what the heck is even supposed to be done.
Also, I have been watching these game playthroughs, as I've found watching other people play is more relaxing than playing myself, and I'm mostly just interested in the story anyway:
I have also convinced Tobias that we should play Subnautica, as I started to watch a playthrough but decided that it would be much more fun to explore it together.
I'm really having problems today. It's tough getting your life in order when you're honestly struggling with the will to live. Like, sure I could be smart and ambitious and save myself from poverty and misery... but why?
The only reason I can think of is that not putting in the effort will eventually become more bothersome than doing it, but it will still be arduous either way. I feel forced to live and I don't like it.
I can invent my own reasons for enjoying life, but unless I can make them profitable they won't help me and just waste my time until the rent is due. I hate this, and I hate people who accept life on these terms.
It's not that I somehow feel entitled to life without effort, it's just that I don't necessarily feel convinced that the effort is worth the reward. This just makes the effort seem absurd to me.
As far as I can currently see, most glorifications of life are simply attempts to justify the effort it requires to stay alive, making beautiful dreams critical to our survival.
Then again... this perspective is perhaps an illusion.
Even when being such a cynic, I also know that bitterness only comes from restricted life and poisoned love, which reveals my true nature as a romantic. So what I feel right now is more likely just a result of being blocked from my desires, rather than not having any.
While too much suffering will kill us, it's also true that too little suffering will never make us live. As much as we live despite suffering, we also advance because of it.
I guess the answer here is that making life worth the effort, actually will make life worth the effort. I find this both stupid and satisfying at the same time. I mean, it's circular, but it also makes sense, which is honestly quite fascinating.
Ugh. I just need to brood a bit until I gather up the energy to be smart and ambitious again...
My plan for productivity has been to hold off on setting disciplined routines for myself until I have my desk in the office/workshop we have planned to set up in this new apartment. The reason for waiting is because without it I have no separate workplace and will therefore spend all hours in bed. This may be comfortable, but inevitably lead to me either working all day or being lazy all day, and not really helping me build productive habits.
However, Tobias managed to hurt his arm really badly, so the workshop project has been postponed for at least a couple of weeks. This is very inconvenient, as it messes with my perceived order of events, and now my relaxed days aren't justified anymore because the mental deadline I had set for myself disappeared. Of course I can start being productive now, but if today isn't different from my excused lazy time, it invalidates the excuse and just makes me lazy. I could choose to keep using the excuse in order to make it valid, but at the expense of letting my procrastination drag on for longer than I feel comfortable with.
I mean, of course I want to get back to being productive, I would just like it to be according to certain criteria. The problem is that I find productivity to be a lot like power; the issue is not really how to get it, it's how to maintain it. And being disciplined is not about being constantly productive and forcing yourself to work when you don't want to, it's about having a system for effort in order to build a momentum and keep it going. So, if I feel I am blocked from adhering to a system, then I feel reluctant to exert effort, for the same reason as I don't want to start things I'm not sure I can finish. Without a system, I only have passion and inspiration to rely on, and those are distracting me away to other projects right now.
It would be great if my desires and my duties were aligned, but alas... No programming today, but my creative writing projects are getting much love. I wish I could make money from them, which is kind of what the long term plan is, but I'm also worried about monetising all my hobbies. Will I ever have worth and value not measured by my productivity? I guess I rebel agains this existential capitalist tragedy by being lazy...
A while ago I watched a very interesting talk about complexity in systems, and it made me realise some things.
(Why Can't We Make Simple Software? - Peter van Hardenberg)
It primarily details how complexity increases technical debt, messes with budget, timeline and security, but also explains how complexity comes from how many ideas are invested in something, and what it means to isolate complexity. I find it to be a very fascinating topic.
The first thing I realised was that I don't want to create a large business, as it increases complexity and ruins the fun. I rather want niched ideas that only scale to a certain manageable level. This is kind of why I start to lose interest in any talk about getting investors and hiring people and so on. I fear it's a boundary of my comfort zone I will eventually need to push myself beyond though, unless I imagine doing everything myself. I hope I will be able to grow personally alongside any entrepreneurial success I might achieve.
I have learned to be careful with ambition, as it can indeed let us accomplish great things but at a terrible price, which is to lose years of our time in development hell. We must make sure that it is worth the effort.
Secondly, I see how complexity puts more expectations on meaningfulness, and how it ties in with effort and suffering in life. The more we struggle, the more we need something profound to have been struggling for. This also works in reverse, where we expect to struggle for great rewards. We don't accept worth without sacrifice.
An effect of this is that some things simply lose their value unless they are expensive. If you set a price too low on something, people will get suspicious and not take it seriously. When something is free, it will attract carelessness and disrespect.
This is worth remembering when setting prices for your goods and services, and also worth considering when trying to rid your life of complexity in order to be happier. Having no ambitions can be as unhealthy as having too great ambitions. With no effort you can never fail, and without a chance of failure, you will become a prisoner in your comfort zone.
In short, we must learn to isolate complexity, so that we may dare to fail and therefore dare to dream.
I have been watching playthroughs of Soma and What Remains of Edit Finch, two really amazing games when it comes to storytelling and philosophy, and I'm feeling very inspired by them.
These are the kinds of games that really makes it easy to defend the position that games are art, provide genuine value, and can be the direct opposite of "waste of time". It's these kinds of experiences that are worth spending time with, and will impact your life just as much as a really great book or movie. In some ways even more, as you are participating in the experience more directly.
The only thing that makes me anxious about devoting so much time to games, comics, tv-series, and similar things, is that I have yet to produce any noteworthy story of my own. It is the most pressing concern of my life, and I am constantly searching for my own identity through this ambition.
I have this deeply rooted idea that some day I will be able to write my own story, and I have some scattered notions of what it is about, but I have yet to comprehend the full picture of it. I am curious about different types of stories and narrative structures because I hope that I'll eventually get the insights I need to understand what my story is and how to tell it.
It's difficult to package abstract ideas into a coherent and specific thing, which is essentially what the art of storytelling is all about. This challenge is incidentally also what my main story is about, in the context of making a dream become reality. The journey from something imagined to something tangible and sustainable. In a way, it's a story about completing the story, and I hope I can truly make sense of it some day.
In the world of programming we place languages on a scale from low to high, where the lowest is the most specific and basic, as close to pure machine code as possible and incomprehensible for human minds, and the higher you go the more complex and abstract it becomes, like everyday spoken language. I believe the scale continues though, into symbols and ideas we're unable to effectively communicate through words. This is where systems like tarot and astrology becomes relevant, as forms of languages intended to convert the ineffable down to human processing.
This is why I'm interested in philosophy and "spiritual" ideas as a programmer, because it's about storytelling and how to arrange abstract concepts into practical systems. Defining things means we can use them. It is in a sense the power to manipulate reality, and I am trying to reprogram myself and change the ending of my life.
If you want to understand me better and what I mean by all of this, then I guess we should both hope that I will be able to tell this story properly some day.
I keep feeling guilty for "procrastinating" my web projects whenever I'm not programming, but it's not really what I'm doing. My problem is that I have two passions in life when it comes to productive ambitions, and web development is the lesser one. As much as I enjoy making apps that solve problems for people and optimising for user behavior and all that stuff, my true love will always be storytelling. I feel even more guilty about not yet having my own story to present, whether it's a comic, a novel, a game, or whatever. I am basically doing web stuff just so that I may eventually get to do story stuff. If I could make money with stories that would be my dream come true, but unfortunately the path is not as clear as with programming.
I suppose it's not a mystery why I struggle to get back into a mindset for writing code, as it essentially means repressing my joy for world building and narrative media, in order to focus on databases, information structure, and interactive functions. It literally feels like waking up in the morning with the most interesting and pleasant dream lingering in your mind, and suddenly you must force yourself to be present in reality and go to work. It's a shift in mental state that makes the world feel both surreal and uncomfortable. I have yet to consciously document how to trigger a natural transition, which will eventually happen, somehow. It would really help me a lot if I could just suddenly get myself in the mood for programming, because I really have things I need to do. There doesn't seem to be a simple switch though, so I'm kind of just waiting for the wind to change, I guess.
Finally, the build of our new home office/workshop has begun! All the shelves and stuff has been bought, and the first holes have been drilled.
This means I can get things in order and start settling into new routines soon, which is what I have been waiting for. It's perfect timing, as I'm also starting to feel a little bit bored with watching game streams. Hopefully I will get into the programming mindset at the end of this week. That would be great.
While I'm not sure how to go from storytelling mode to programming mode, it does at least seem like what made me lose momentum with programming was encountering a problem that simply required too much effort to handle at the time, and it kind of just ruined the fun and I lost interest.
Specifically, I thought I had finally solved a way to handle Cloudflare's R2 database in a way it doesn't offer natively, only to realise that it didn't really work and I also had to rethink the whole approach. It became the opposite of progress and made me annoyed with the whole system. I needed to step away for a while and gather up more energy in order to take on the whole restructure I would need to do, and now some weeks have passed while I've had much more fun being engaged with other things.
I think I'm slowly coming to an end with the storytelling mode though, as another obstacle has appeared, making me unsure how to proceed and therefore blocking me. I've gained lots of ideas and made a lot of progress, but it's still just a huge collection of scraps that I'm not entirely able to connect into solid, actionable projects.
I wonder if it's this growing frustration of missing clear order and structure that eventually makes programming a pleasure again. I remember that arguing with people on twitter was fun because it felt as satisfying as writing organised code and debugging things. It honestly became a bad habit since it made me divert my energy to twitter instead of programming, which is why I've made the decision to stay away from twitter now.
I suspect that once I feel sufficiently lost and bored with storytelling, while also having built up the energy to start something new, it will be my desire for organisation and order that will get me into programming again.
I think that rather than continuing where I left off, I should start a new project and make sure everything works as intended until I eventually encounter the issues of what I was dealing with before, and continue with it then. It will be less overwhelming once I've arrived there in a natural sequence of events, rather than trying to dive straight in to it.
After all, it's the beauty of complexity, elegance, function, and such things that makes me love programming. That's where the fascination and excitement is found, and I need the romance of it all in order to achieve the kind of hyper focus and flow required for ambitious projects.
I'm not there quite yet, but I feel like I'm warming up to it. I'll try to observe this transition and see if I can learn something.
I wonder if I'll ever have a Valentine's Day that actually means something. I mean, I've officially given up on the idea of love and relationships, but I'm also aiming to change my life, so the future is a great mystery. I can't really see it though.
It's funny how Buddhist monks spend so much time trying being free from desire, when all it takes is to be dumped by someone you truly love. I guess I'm enlightened now or whatever. Awesome.
Anyway, as it turns out, being reminded of how dangerously close I am from becoming homeless and freezing to death under some tree deep in the forest, is certainly one way to get my brain into gear for productivity again.
Nothing makes you face your own mortality than needing to contact social services for help with rent, and having an existential crisis from the anxiety the job market gives you. Life is such a magical experience, and the privilege of being is truly a thing of wonder.
At least the office/workshop is in order now, kind of, so I finally have a place for serious focus, and perhaps I can start to dig myself out of this hole now. My dear unsustainable comfort zone of a hole, where I'll be no one's valentine and I'll never afford to go to Paris again. Can I ever escape this place? Can I be the one to rescue myself? Will I ever achieve something worth the effort?
Well, stay tuned, I guess.
At last, I'm feeling really motivated to focus on web development again. It's weird how I sometimes just wake up feeling ready to conquer the world. I mean, in contrast to the vertiginous emptiness that otherwise deplete me.
I think it's due to three things this time.
First, it's the increased urgency of needing money, forcing me into problem-solving mode and making me taking inventory of all my resources and skills. I need to become marketable and dependable and make things happen. I feel motivated to get my personal site in order and get ready to take on commissions.
Secondly, I took another shift working in the wardrobe at the night club, which always makes me inspired to focus on Kotteriet's community app that's been in slow progress for a while now. I want to get it up and running and organise this whole scene.
Thirdly, the office/workshop is ready and I've finally been able to unpack all my stuff and setting up a proper workspace. This makes my life feel less theoretical and more real, and it's kind of the same effect as dressing up, helping you get into a certain mindset. This desk is now meeting me halfway and easing me into productivity.
I'm no longer waiting for the idea of myself in the future, it's aligning with my present. The imagined reality has been manifested into a physical place, and the journey of rebuilding my life is happening in real time now.
On a separate note, this is what I refer to as "applied synchronicity". Carl Jung defined synchronicity in terms of being coincidental, and the whole New Age movement perceived it as something paranormal and teleological, as if arranged by higher forces. But the coincidental nature of it only comes from a lack of awareness, and if you're paying attention wou will instead experience it as reality being manifested by your efforts. It's something subjectively meaningful that "coincide" with something externally relevant, except the causality is better understood, or even intentional.
I hope this will be the true beginning of bringing all my imagined realities into physical form. I've been searching for this moment a long time.
I give myself three months to solve my income problem.
Sure, I may not have any other options, but in practical terms this means I will commit to three moths of organised focus on a specific goal, and to adopt a business-minded persona. Any other ambitions will be considered a distraction during this time, and may only be entertained during non-working hours.
In order to not overwhelm myself immediately and burn out again (the reason I ended my web developer career), I will start with only four required hours of focus each day, and only feel guilty if I do less than that for some reason. I should also try to not exceed eight hours, although it's very important that I have results within these three months, so I can agree to push myself if necessary.
At the moment, this kind of feels like getting back into a car after having had a big traumatic accident, as this is basically a path to inviting stress and commitments back into my life, after having ended up very hurt by such experiences in the past. In a way, success makes me uncomfortable, because it's easy to achieve but nearly impossible to maintain. And having no other reason for success than the threat of things just getting worse, is such a hollow motivation. It makes me sad, and it makes me resent the whole process of doing work.
Of course it would be nice to have more resources, and I am striving for success with all my own projects, but... I don't know, it feels like there's always a choice that needs to be made between living and suriving, as if they're constantly mutually exclusive. It bothers me because I don't see the point of surviving if it's not for the goal of living, but it seems more like living is a bothersome distraction from survival. It's both confusing and depressing, but I guess I need to change my perspective on this somehow. Perhaps it wouldn't feel so contrived and wrong if I had more control over the situation. Life is a rather passive experience for me right now, where I just have to accept things as they are and I have no leverage to assert things according to my own will or desire.
Maybe that's what I'm supposed to strive for? Maybe that's the whole secret to happiness? Leverage, resources, options, opportunities. I guess I need to achieve such things before I can even justify why I need them. Survival for the sake of power, power for the sake of living.
Well, I guess I'll just have to get started on that then.
On Valentine's Day I wrote that I've "officially given up on the idea of love and relationships". Well, this is not entirely true. Some days I just feel completely defeated, and most days I simply try to not think about it, but every once in a while I get some energy back and I feel the romance and confidence bubbling up inside me once again. Whenever this happens, there's one very special person that fills my mind and gives me both exitement and hope for the future. Sadly, these are moments from the past, and I have no idea how realistic it is for us to ever meet again, but there is always a possibility, and the potential alone is enough for me to fall in love with life again. It's the kind of love that makes me feel like the world is full of magical secrets and that fantastical things can happen. It takes a truly special person to make me feel this way, and missing this person leads to a Pandora's Box of emotions overwhelming me. For me, our story really is on a par with a Greek odyssey, or Shakesperian tragedy.
I'd like to say that we're not together for reasons beyond our control, but that's only true on days where I'm not my productive self. If I could change my situation, things could be different. There would be options and possibilities, and love woud not turn into suffering. While I don't really blame myself or think it's only up to me, I still see it as a defining plot point in my life to mend this broken dream. A creed to keep a promise and not let love lose meaning in the face of the Void. A thing of true importance in a world where nothing really matters.
I know, it's tempting to give up and try to be "rational" and "move on", but it wouldn't really be her I gave up on, it would be myself. Whether or not we'll ever see each other again, I want to be the Frank that could make that happen. I want to be the person I can see myself as when I am with her, for my own sense of purpose and fulfillment. That's my vision for having achieved success in life. The standard by which I measure myself.
It may be easy to claim that I'm delusional, living through ideals and being unable to face reality, but to me that's not only lazy thinking, but also a misunderstanding. You see, I'm not chasing some kind of dream reality, I'm trying to escape one. I am trapped in a dream state where everything is potential and has yet to be. I am an unrealised version of myself that barely exist. I am out of phase with the real me, and I'm trying to catch up. It is my current life that is the delusion, and I'm trying to become my true self.
Remembering our relationship is exactly what lets me face reality. It's my anchor to being able to see things rationally. It's a reliable point of reference for truth. Even if we couldn't make it work, it was real. Actually real, as opposed to the perceived state of things we otherwise pretend to accept.
Whatever you believe, I'm sure that you'll discover that without any delusions of your own, you'll die. To stop dreaming is to accept the Void, but if you don't want your whole life to have been just a dream, you must make it real. You must connect your desires to space and time, and not just let them end as mere potential.
So, what I'm basically trying to say here is what truly motivates me to get out of bed in the morning, is either a broken relationship, or I really need to pee. I mean, it's pretty much the story of how the great pyramids were built or how we got to the moon.
Full steam ahead with productivity.
I'm working through a bunch of issues in Lapine Web Engine, with the goal of having a complete workflow for Cloudflare Pages from setup to deployment. I have all required steps made, I just need to sort out some bugs and patch a few things due to changes made while working on the Electron workflow.
I've also started to use GitHub properly, finally. I've set up the issue tracking system, and I'm naming my commits more reasonable. Trying to avoid huge chaotic commits named "bunch of stuff", and instead doing smaller ones related to specific issues, as it should be.
I've also set some Milestones, but without deadlines as I don't have any release cycles yet. My main goal is to have complete workflows for Cloudflare Pages, Cloudflare Worker, Electron App, and Capacitor App, although the last one can wait for later. Once these are done, I'm aiming for a release of Lapine Web Engine 1.0, in order to make it Open Source and promote it publicly, and hopefully get some constructive feedback from the web development community. This is also necessary for future projects, as it will be impossible for me to be the sole developer on everything we have planned.
Even though I slept until 14 today, I've been productive for around seven hours now and I feel like I'm easing in quite well in a proper work routine. I know everyone on the planet are used to being in the so called "rat race" and working normal office hours, but since I burned out and basically took a nose dive with my whole career due to depression, I've lead a life of lots of time but no income, and now I basically need to reverse everything. This isn't just about working normal hours, it's about consciously adapting my lifestyle and personality, so some easing in is in order. I'm pretty much onboarding myself into a new life of adult responsibilities and grinding for capitalistic pursuits. Luckily, I do actually feel ready for it, so I embrace this change. Let's just hope I'll enjoy it this time around. The results better be worth the effort, or I'll set everything on fire.
Woke up from a dream today that left me in a really sad mood and made me feel entirely worthless and wanting to reject the whole world. It wasn't really a coherent dream, except the last scene which was about a bunch of long time friends getting back together, after a girl who'd been away for many years had come home again. One of the guys in the group used to have a crush on her but never found a way to tell her, and now she was back but had a baby with her, so it was kind of a difficult situation for him. Not many in the group knew about this except for me, and I could feel how it messed him up a little.
Then suddenly one girl in the group turned to me and asked why I was acting like some goth teenager who had just bought a synth and thought he was too cool for school, or something like that. Basically, she wondered why I was so distant, as if I somehow was above everyone. I felt that she had caught on to the fact that I had increasingly started to feel like an outsider, to everything. I paused, and tried to put into words that I wasn't thinking of myself better than everyone else, but the exact opposite. Everyone had lives, jobs, relationships, went traveling, and had things going for them. I'm stuck in life and still struggling with basic survival, with a very uncertain future. I'm worthless.
I was caught off guard by the fact that she had even been paying attention to me and showed concern. No one really does that. All I could say was "I don't know how to give a short answer to that", and as I tried to figure out how to explain things without ruining the mood and making the whole moment about me, I woke up.
It was one of those very vivid dreams where you feel like you've actually been talking to real people, so I woke up with existential anxiety both from being reminded about my miserable life but also from having experienced relationships with people that was never real. I hate when that happens. It's things like this that makes me have problems with reality.
Anyway, after half a day of feeling defeated and being in a weird mood, I tried to remind myself that things aren't as hopeless as they feel. I have a plan and I should be focused and follow it. I should not let my subconscious worries slow me down, as they are only concerned with the present and have no concept of strategy or delayed gratification. This is the struggle with myself that I need to win.
I guess, in the words of Colin Hay, I'm waiting for my real life to begin.
I know I've been writing quite negative posts lately, and while it's a true reflection of how I feel, it's not a true reflection of my entire personality. There's a difference between what I vent and what I believe, if that makes sense. This is one of my contradictions. I am a very optimistic, ambitious, and driven person, who expresses myself in quite pessimistic and bitter ways. As explained somewhere in a previous post, the negative stuff is a result of being blocked in life, and in love. So this negative Frank comes from a defensive mindset, from feeling hurt, insecure, overwhelmed, and low on resources.
I think the correct way of viewing it is that my emotions and my intellect are two very different sides of me. Due to so much trauma, sadness, and setbacks, my emotional side require a lot of processing, which gives limited energy for my intellectual side to get into gear. This is why I can't just sit down and be productive, as I need to get my emotions in order first. This means, sorting out all the existential stuff surrounding my situation before I'm able to take on the practical things. I need the Why before I can focus on the How, and the Why is a really problematic thing.
But I want to assure you that despite my depressive nature, it is my dream to rise above it, and I never give up on my dreams. I may take breaks and hesitate to go forward, but only because I lack power, not ambition. Even if it's going slow, I am constantly working towards a synchronistic singularity, where my emotional self, my intellectual self, and my material situation is able to support each other. A turning point that creates a positive cycle.
I say this because I know people who have truly given up on life and decided to simply accept reality as it is, rather than what it could be. These are the true pessimists, killing themselves by not having dreams any more, and stop fighting for amazing things to happen.
These are people who actively choose their worst version of themselves rather than trying to do better. People who prefer staying sick instead of getting well, because their sickness gives them identity and comfort. People who get stuck in life because their ego is more important than their potential. People who accept their trauma as their prison, and protect themselves from hope and risk so much that happiness becomes a threat.
Even though I find beauty and fascination in my misery, I do not intend to settle here. I'm well aware that my comfort zone is poisonous, and I'm slowly gathering my means and planning to escape. I curse my life as I'm stranded on an island, but I'm also building a raft. I still have my sight on the horizon, and I will not die here.
If I sound defeated, it's only because I'm still fighting.
I've been busy with a lot of things in the past days.
To begin with, I researched and installed a new Linux distro on my old "junkbucket" laptop, which I have kind of reserved for non-work related things, like watching movies and other leisure activities (wikipedia rabbit holes, amazon wishlists, game ideas, youtube binge marathons...). It's the computer I use in bed, while I use my Mac in a strictly productive manner at my desk. This is a further step in trying to organise myself better, and also makes so that I don't need to disconnect my Mac and move it into my bedroom every time I'm done working, and I don't need to have both my productivity stuff and leisure stuff open in different browser windows.
I swithced from Nobara Linux to Bazzite (with Gnome), after having lots of update issues with Nobara. Both these distros are made for creating a good gaming experience on Linux, and even though I'm not currently planning to be playing anything specific, or resource demanding, It's at least nice to have the option. Even if I almost exclusively play retro games, there are some games for PS1, PS2, N64, GameCube and so on that I'd like to play, which requires emulators to run. I also plan to get a specific pinball game (Theatre of Magic) up and running at some point, which is my favourite and I really miss playing.
At the moment though, I'm just watching youtube and do some writing, so a heavy-duty gaming distro is a bit overkill, heh. On the other hand, I've found a possible solution to running Affinity Designer on Linux, which this OS may help with. That means I could use my favourite vector graphics program without needing a Mac, which would be awesome.
On the other hand, I've also discovered a way to run newer Mac OS on older Mac computers, which means I might always be able to use Mac without needing to pay insane amounts of money for new computers. It also means that I can find a use for my old 2008 6GB RAM iMac that's just been collecting dust for some time now. It's stuck on "El Capitan" right now, but if I can get it up to at least "Monterey", which is a 6 major version upgrade, then I could actually run the Arduino IDE 2.0 on it, and do all my Arduino development on it. I'm also thinking of using it as a media server, and have it stream TV-series locally to our TV later, and to friends who aren't as adept at accessing obscure series as I am...
Well, we'll see how far 6GB RAM gets us, but the Arduino stuff will at least be possible. Also, I will have a Mac to use for syncing the two old iPads and iPhone that's I've found laying around here, which I'm excited about. That would mean I could get a better way to read comics and books, which isn't ideal on a laptop. And I have a lot of comics and books I've been meaning to read. Seriously, a lot.
Speaking of stories, I have also come up with a very exciting and promising new game system for one of my ZineGames ideas, based around using a Rubik's Cube! ZineGames are what I call my idea of making paper based games, mixed with ergodic storytelling in different ways, and even some augmented reality perhaps. I have a lot of ideas surrounding this, and I'm very eager to make progress with it. I'll explain this further in later updates, but let's just say I have a very intriguing game experience planned which I think would become quite popular in the solo RPG community. I "just" need to step up my illustration game a bit in order to present it on the level I envision it, but I have confidence that I can do it. It has always been a dream of mine to be a professional illustrator in some capacity, even though I haven't really been drawing regularly since I was a teenager. I'm quite proficient in graphic design though, making posters, T-shirts, and UI elements and stuff, so it's not at all outside of my comfort zone or skill set.
Damn, I really want to get started with 3D now as well, for stylistic illustrative purposes. Ugh, will I ever be able to finish anything?
Well, I mean... YES! Arrrgh! I will!
Production, optimization, domination! Vive la Frank!
I fell into a rabbit hole and got lost for over a week.
I should be programming, but my mind wants to wander and dream. I have been sleeping for days and journeyed through thoughts and emotions. I've been feeling excited by the worlds in my head, but sad as I travel alone.
I've binged nature documentaries and written reflections on love and existence. I have places and characters and events building up, and a story is forming. I have a beginning, a middle, and an ending. I think it will be what defines me.
Writing this thing will be the progression I have been searching for. The path towards the person I want to be. I feel compelled from the depths of my being.
But somehow, I must come out of it and get back to my day job.
Web development feels surreal right now, and the mere thought of it exhausts me. It will take some time to refocus and rediscover my neglected ambitions.
Well, I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm finally back to being programming productive again.
Nothing has really changed, but I did work at the night club again, getting me in a mindset to continue building the online community for Kotteriet. I also got an old iPad up and running, filled it with some books I've been meaning to read, and rediscovered "Getting Real" by 37Signals. I think it felt extra inspiring at this point since I honestly have quite clear goals, which means I could more directly apply the advice to my present situation, and it also gave me some very agreeable and appreciated sanity in regards to building huge software companies for profit: Don't.
Seriously, I just want to build small stuff. I don't want to appeal to the masses and I don't want to take over the world. I want a small manageable business with a niched clientele and I want to make curious expressive things.
I also believe my increasing confidence in the ZineGame with a Rubik's Cube is making me more productive, as it keeps getting better and more complete. There are no real obstacles to cause doubt or slowdowns, which means I can push forward with full steam, and that is a great feeling, especially after having been stuck in development hell with programming for so long. It's so nice to make progress, and the momentum carries over to other things. I can see the future more clearly and I feel encouraged.
I have made progress with both more programming and writing the onboarding instruction manual for Lapine Web Engine, and I'm feeling excited about the state of things.
I think I may have realised something essential today.
It's been clear that I have two very distinct "personalities", as I am constantly pending between two types of mental states. One being very introverted and daydreaming, and the other one being quite extroverted and productive. I only have superficial control over these states, as I can emulate some degree of one when I'm in the other, but only for a short time and with extra effort. For example, I can push myself to be productive while I don't really have the energy for it, and I can make some creative decisions while I'm truly not very inspired. Mostly though, I tend to be stuck in either one until the phase ends, like seasons, and I just need to wait until I'm in the required one to get anything meaningful done.
I've been trying to sort this out, and I've tried different ways to think about this in order to understand this dynamic better. I've been calling it introvert and extrovert, low and high, moon and sun phase, creative and productive, and even depressed and manic, but none of these have felt entirely accurate. First of all, its not fair to label one as negative and one as positive. They are both necessary and useful in their own way. I'm not trying to eliminate one, I'm trying to figure out their relationship and maintain a balance. Secondly, both are creative and productive, just with different things. I need a better terminology to express what's going on.
A while ago, I encountered the idea of how "manager time" and "maker time" are different. For example, managers are productive in meetings and with fully packed schedules, while makers are productive outside meetings with entirely empty schedules. And while I've never seen myself as a manager before, and only identified as a maker, I have of course had to manage lots of things. Especially when working with events, as I've done on the highest level, founding and managing entire cultural gatherings with hundreds of people. I may not identify as a manager, but I still recognise the use of manager time. So I now believe that the most useful way for me to view these phases of mine is through the definitions of manager time and maker time.
Also, with this new terminology, it becomes more clear how depression is a separate thing. It's been easy to confuse it at times with the maker time phase, but that's only because I'm more inclined to emotional sentiments in that state, which is why I'm also more inspired and creative.
I'm quite excited about this insight, as it may help me organise my life better. It gives me a better grip on how to be strategic with my energy and focus, and most importantly, it encourages me to embrace my manager side more. I've honestly been struggling my entire life with this side of things, as I've had such bad experiences with "adult" behavior, like parents and managers. I'm not sure how to express this properly, but my point here is that I may finally have found a way to think about responsibility in a way that doesn't feel forced upon me or unreasonable. I mean, I'm not irresponsible, but I'm not exactly a father figure or husband material. There's a level of maturity that I'm simply unable to identify with. However, I've now started to feel like this is letting me enter a new stage of life without doubt and fear. I can let go of things and change without feeling like I lose myself in the process. For a long time I have been wondering what's actually keeping me held back, as I have so much potential but never seem able to truly advance. In some ways I know I've been afraid of success, but I still couldn't really say why or specifically what that means, as I obviously want to achieve things and improve my life. I can see now how my childhood traumas affected me in a way that made me question everything about growing up, to the point of making it feel alien and surreal for me to drive a car or own a house. It's something that other people do, not me. My problem has been that even though I've become aware of that I can't stay like Peter Pan forever, I just haven't found anywhere else to go. Who the fuck leaves Neverland for a 9-5 job, mortgage, insurance, and all such obligations? Well, not me, but in this meataphor I think I have at least figured out how to make Neverland a profitable tourist attraction and sustainable export industry. In other words, my comfort zone has expanded from within, and given me safety and courage to let myself grow up a bit more.
Yesterday I made myself a little notebook. I have had quite a productive time recently with figuring stuff out for my Zine game, and in the spirit of doing more physical stuff, I felt an urge to become more serious with my habit of writing things down.
I got very inspired by various videos on YouTube about notebooks, and initially I wanted to do my own leatherbound pocket book, but after realising that leather is beyond my current budget, I resorted to innovation. I found 3mm cardboard at home, left over from some IKEA packging, and found a way to make it into a very acceptable alternative for a leather cover. Basically, you first cut it to size, then soften it up by ruining it, breaking all the stiffness by flattening it with a spoon and running it around the edge of a table. You end up with a cover that feels like cardboard but kind of behaves as leather, which is nice, and cheap. For the pages, I just cut and folded two A4, making 32 pages for an A6 shaped book.
I wanted a small book with just a few pages, because I'd rather have many books than just one with more pages than I'll ever fill. My habit is normally to just fold an A4 in half 3 times, write on all 16 pages, and then fold another paper when I run out of space. It's a super simple system, and I didn't want to stray too far from it while still making a slight upgrade, to make it look and feel more like an actual notebook. To be honest, it's mostly an aesthetical thing, but that's a big part of doing art stuff, you know. A lifestyle decision.
Since the process of making these kinds of notebooks are so cheap and easy, I can make many of them for specific topics. And later I can combine several of them into one book, if needed. The problem with having just one big notebook to begin with is that it's more difficult to split up into sections, and the ratio of empty pages just feels wasteful. If your big glass makes you feel like you have too little water, pour it into a smaller glass and consider the problem solved.
I haven't posted in over a week now, because I am honestly in peak productivity mode. I'm making all sorts of progress and it feels great!
The most noteworthy thing is my rediscovery of PWAs (Progressive Web Apps), which has had some very significant developments since I last considered them, a few years back. They have now become the most obvious solution for my goal with Lapine Web Engine, and all my future web projects. This means I'm completely abandoning Electron and Capacitor for desktop and mobile development, streamlining Lapine Web Engine entirely for a PWA pipeline, with Cloudflare as a host and backend solution. I am super excited about this, because it will simplify and speed up things significantly.
Beyond web development stuff I have also made a lot of progress with my Ecopunk Solo RPG Ergodic Literature Zine thing, whatever it's best described as. It's a curious mix of things. Partially a novel, partially a game, partially an art book. Whatever it ends up being, it's the most creatively rewarding project I've ever come up with, as it contains and addresses so many of my interests. Being able to focus so much inspiration and ideas into one coherent project is amazing. Especially since I am also certain that it will be commercially viable as well. That's important if it takes productive effort away from other things, as something needs to bring in money eventually, and it's hard to stay motivated when you're in doubt about if it's worth your time or wasting it.
And speaking of projects that waste time, I've also recently become intrigued by mossariums. I normally think flowers and plants are super boring when it comes to keeping them, which is why I have zero house plants, as I just can't be bothered to water them. They are simply not weird and interesting enough for me to care for. A small terrarium though, without any animals that require serious commitment, seems like the right amount of weirdness and effort for me. I'd love to have something green on my desk, if it was something more than just a plain plant. So a mini world, with tiny bugs in it, and a little eco system with low complexity, that kind of looks as nice as a little bonsai tree or tiny garden, sounds rather cool. All I need is a suitable glass container, and I'll see if I can find one next time we go looking for second hand furniture. Could be fun!
I've been very busy with the complete refactoring of Lapine Web Engine, into what I believe will be its final form. I discarded Electron and have instead made it available through NPM, and after four months, I'm finally back to implementing the workflow for databases. Building an editor for SQLite is something I've been curious about for years, and I'm excited even though I'm also quite exhausted from the complexity of the entire project. While I've managed to organize it very well, there are many parts that need to work together, and writing functions gets kind of tedious at times. Still, the progress is encouraging and I've been able to keep a steady productive momentum for several weeks now, which is an achievement in itself. I feel successful in building the habit I need in order to change the course of my life. First comes tools and process, then comes application and results.
In other things of note, I have just finished the series "Lessons in Chemistry" with Brie Larson, and is halfway through the book "The Notebook - A history of thinking on paper" by Roland Allen. Both are very enjoyable and highly recommended.
While I'm not writing these entires as frequently as at the start of the year, I'm spending around 12 hours each day programming, and occasionally writing on my stories. My productivity momentum is a great success.
Being deep into programming doesn't really give me a lot of exciting things to talk about, as this would just become a github devlog, but I've made a really nice SQLite editor and a very promising workflow for working with databases, which is great. It ended up being A LOT more work than I anticipated, but Lapine Web Engine is slowly becoming something actually marketable (even though it will be Open Source), and I'm looking forward to sharing it publically in a few months. I'm looking at Ruby on Rails as a role model for how to present it. Maybe I can start a small foundation in order to maintain it?